Top Ten Christian Stereotypes In A Movie - Part One

So, you are writing the next big Hollywood blockbuster, and you think your cast of characters would be much enlivened by the addition of a token Christian?

Be warned - no one will actually want to watch a genuine, real life Christian on screen. It would be a total buzz-kill. (Some time I might do a top ten list of movies that would become instantly boring / incredibly short if the main protagonist was a Christian.*)

In real life, priests almost never have anything
as interesting as a Britney Spears on their laps.

Fret not, though. There are certain well trod paths when it comes to injecting a little pseudo-Christian flavour into a movie. Herewith I happily present part one of the Top Ten List Of Christian Movie Stereotypes, each one designed to make Christianity just that little bit more palatable to the audience.

1) The Bumbling Anglican Idiot

Serious Christianity is boring, but everyone loves a bumbling fool. Note that these guys have to be Anglican, because guys putting on dresses is already inherently funny. Catholics also put on dresses, but they are too scary to be bumbling fools, except in Father Ted. Got the rules? We'll come to scary Catholics in a moment.

The top two Bumbling Anglican Idiots are obviously Rowan Atkinson in Four Weddings And A Funeral, and Peter Cook in The Princess Bride. Say it with me: "Mawwige..."

Tolerable to audiences because: No one has to take these guys seriously. Holy goat! Ahahahah!

Did I accidentally put on a dress this morning?

2) The Scary Catholic Sect

Hollywood loves its Scary Catholics. Long before Dan Brown started spewing his derivative nonsense into the mix, Hollywood loved to take sinister looking men in flowing robes and dog collars, put them in gloomily-lit cathedrals, and have them Brutally Stab People For The Love Of God. Sinister sects you may remember include: The Brotherhood Of The Cruciform Sword from Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade, some guys who tried to kill some woman in that piece-of-drek Arnold Schwarzenegger movie End Of Days, and, I think, pretty much the whole Catholic church in Stigmata.

"I never wanted to be in a Scary Catholic Cult, but then I saw
how good this goatee looked with the regulation scary
robes and knife, and, well, it just seemed to be God's will."

Why is it usually Catholics who get cast in these roles? Probably because it is all true, and Catholicism is just a weird, dark-and-scary-sect-laden thing.

Tolerable to audiences because: They are always the baddies, and they'll get killed in the final reel. Usually by a staunch atheist.

3) The Kick-Ass Black Dude

The Kick-Ass Black Dude Christian can quote the Bible all he likes, provided he's
a) Kick-Ass,
b) Black, and
c) Played by a gangster-rap/hip-hop star.

I give you Ice Cube in Three Kings, and LL Cool J in Deep Blue Sea. I'm sure there are others too.

A brace of Christian kickassical musicians.

Tolerable to secular audiences because: They are kick-ass. Christian they may be, but they mainly solve their problems by being kick-ass and having a big damn gun or a baseball bat, and they do cool kick-ass stuff like hitting sharks in the face with their bare fists, or whatever. (I can't remember if this actually happens in Deep Blue Sea, but it seems pretty likely.)

4) The Hang-Up-Ridden Neurotic

These guys are burdened with faith in the same way that most of us are burdened by insane EU regulations, ridiculously picky bosses or Irritable Bowel Syndrome. They are probably in training for the priesthood, and must on no account enjoy themselves during the movie, except in the final five minutes, when they will suddenly discover that the answer to all their problems is to ditch their faith, burn their dog collars and shack up with the nearest girl. This move will be unilaterally approved of by the rest of the cast, who will celebrate their new-found enlightenment and cheer them on their way.

(Incidentally, the main problem for these guys is usually LUST, because they FANCY A GIRL and they are probably training to be Catholic priests, who, as we know, are expected to stay miserably single - a doctrine which the Apostle Paul describes as "the teaching of demons" (1 Timothy 4:1). So count me amongst the cheerers. One less demon-worshipper in the world, hurrah. Also, it lessens the chances of them getting inducted into a Scary Catholic Sect.)

This guy must be kept out of a sect at all costs, since there is no telling
how much damage he could wreak with just one of those eyebrows.

Examples of this are Brother Tony in High Spirits (an awesome movie) who renounces the priesthood and shacks up with Jennifer Tilly (hardly surprising), and Erich Egerman in A Little Night Music (poor movie adaptation of an awesome show), who renounces the priesthood and shacks up with Lesley-Anne Down, aka Madeline Fabray LaMotte for North and South fans (slightly more surprising, but only because she's his mother-in-law in the movie).

Tolerable to audiences because: They are not really God-botherers, they are just misguided, and it only takes an incredibly attractive woman to help them see the light.

NB: Anglican priests are free to marry, as long as it is to a hang-up-ridden
neurotic who will see the light, renounce the priesthood and cuckold them. 

5) The Bible-Bashing Psycho

I don't think I need to say much more than: Carrie's Mother.

Note the dowdy nightdress. Well, you don't want to go stabbing
your daughter wearing a skimpy negligee. It would be weird.

These guys are insane, violent, and Must Be Stopped. You especially do not want to have one of these as a parent. If you find that you do happen to have one of these as a parent, chances are that when you come of age you will end up killing them, yourself, and your entire peer group. Though probably not in that order.

Another example: This psycho, played by the same guy who played the Psycho
in that Hitchcock movie about the psycho. Oh, what was that called again?

Tolerable to audiences because: It shows that only psychos believe in Jesus, and everyone can cheer when they get brutally impaled on their own Bible during the denouement.

So, that's part one.
What are the remaining five top ten Christian movie stereotypes? The tension is unbearable. But bear it we must, since it's bed time. All will be revealed shortly, unless a Scary Catholic Cult comes for me in the meantime.

Good night.

Part two is here.

* e.g Indecent Proposal, Christian version:

Robert Redford: "Sleep with me for a million dollars?"

Demi Moore: "No."

Roll credits.

The Top Ten Dowdy Nightdresses In A Movie Musical Number

Here at Sons Of Asaph, we've been tackling some pretty heavy questions lately. What is the greatest love of all? What is the true nature of the human heart? Which pop songs contain the best selection of rising string scales?

Worthy matters all, but now it's time to ratchet things up a notch. Because it has come to my attention recently that there is a great hole in the internet, a chasm of ignorance that is crying out to all mankind to be filled. And, as my great benefaction to the Universe, I am going to do just that. I dedicate this noble service to all peoples, past present and future, but especially to those of my friends who have recently had babies, and are thus very probably reading this at 3am whilst scraping regurgitated milk from their computer screen. Hello guys.

The great wrong that I am righting is this: There is no list, anywhere on the internet, of the Top Ten Dowdy Nightdresses In A Movie Musical Number.


Let me begin by saying that fixing this astonishing oversight was not easy - largely due to the strict guidelines a list such as this must adhere to, to wit:

1. The nightdress must be dowdy - this is a family blog, after all. Unfortunately, the type of lady who is prone to singing in her nightwear leans more towards the picturesque peignoir than the frumpy flannel. I found more than enough material for the top ten skimpy nightdresses in a movie musical number. (After all, you don't need much material for a skimpy nightdress.)
2. The nightdress must be a nightdress. Seems obvious, but it's not always easy to tell whether the complicated calico concoctions in question are meant for use during the night or the day. I had to enlist the help of my work colleagues in identifying the nature of Judy Garland's garb in this clip, for example.
3. The nightdress must be worn in a movie musical number. A stage show that's been filmed doesn't count. (Which sadly rules out this rare clip of Carrie, The Musical.) 
4. No children. After all, children's night attire should be nothing but dowdy.
5. Most crucially, the nightdress must be worn by the person singing the song. Well, that's just common sense really.

Anyway, after many many long hours of head-scratching and youtube-trawling, at last I am proud to present to you The Top Ten Dowdy Nightdresses In A Movie Musical Number.



1) The Sound Of Music - My Favourite Things




You can't get much dowdier than this. This is a level of dowdy to which only an ex-nun can hope to attain. If you haven't had special nun training, don't even try it. You might sprain something.


2) Grease - Hopelessly Devoted To You




The classic. Before the final reel epiphany where she realised she could get her man back by sewing herself into reality-distortingly tight trousers, Sandy was the rare kind of girl who liked to moon around singing pretty songs in nice, comfortable, sensible nightwear.


3) My Fair Lady - I Could Have Danced All Night




The nightdress makes its appearance at 1:40, and is so dowdy that it takes two whole people to apply it to Audrey Hepburn. Trivia fans: Eliza only sings "I could have danced all night" twice because Alan Jay Lerner couldn't come up with a decent second line, and years later he was still having nightmares about it.


4) Gigi - Say A Prayer For Me Tonight




Lerner hated this tune. He thought it should be a 'cello solo. Loewe (composer) sneakily played it to the producers while Lerner was out of the room, they loved it, and so in it went. And thus was born this charming little duet for woman in dowdy nightdress and severely doped cat. (Yes, apparently the cat had to be drugged so it wouldn't scratch Leslie Caron's face off.)


5) On A Clear Day You Can See Forever - Go To Sleep




Alan Jay Lerner's third (count them!!) entry into the list. Not as dowdy as some, but bonus points for matching the bedlinen. Genius.


6) West Side Story - Tonight




Marnie Nixon's second entry into the list (she dubbed Natalie Wood here, and Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady). Fun fact: this movie makes me cry. And not a gentle, manly crying either. A proper uncontrollable snotty sort of crying that terrifies everyone who witnesses it. I don't know why.


7) Goodby Mr Chips - You And I




Okay, so I don't know for sure that Petula Clark is wearing a dowdy nightdress here, but given the dowdiness of the housecoat it seems like a safe bet. And her husband has a grey moustache. A man with a grey moustache is like the anti-Midas: everything he touches turns to dowdy. It's a pretty song though.


8) Thouroughly Modern Millie - Jimmy




Julie Andrews is the undisputed queen of the unalluring nighty. Though to be fair, this creation is bordering on the skimpy. And it's more pajama-based than nightdress-based really. Also it's perfect for running around dramatically in. So perhaps it doesn't deserve to be on this list. But I wanted to include the clip for Julie Andrews' heart-wrenching look-to-camera at 4:09. I defy anyone to watch that without going "Awww, Julie!" and trying to hug the screen.


9) Hit The Deck - Lucky Bird




I'm not quite sure what Jane Powell is wearing here. Maybe it's a peignoir. Maybe it's a pelisse. Maybe it's a yurt. But I reckon you could fit at least another two sopranos in it. And why is there a clockwork penguin in this song? (Next blog: Top Ten Movie Musical Songs Involving Clockwork Flightless Seabirds.)


10) The Harvey Girls - It's A Great Big World

This was to be the grand climax - not one, not two, but three dowdy nightdresses all singing in harmony while someone off-camera chucks leaves at the window. But, horror of horrors, youtube is denying all knowledge of its existence. I guess it got taken down for copyright reasons. The best I can do for you is to show you this still photo and let you chuck your own leaves at your screen:

And, instead, here's my backup song:


11) Three Daring Daughters - The Dickey Bird Song




Yes, the same Jeanette MacDonald who was famed for her skimpy negligees in the thirties had graduated to dowdiness by the late forties. It comes to us all eventually.



So that's it.
I hope you have enjoyed this song-filled safari of sober sleepwear, this harmonious homage to the homeliest horizontal habiliments, this shower of chanteuses' shapeless chemises... this ballad-bedecked bevy of boring bedwear... this lullaby-laden lecture on lackluster lingerie... this, um, okay, I'm out.
But I'll leave you all with this sage piece of advice from The Smiling Lieutenant (which features a brief cameo from a dowdy nightdress at 8:46).


Night night and sleep well, in whatever attire you choose.