The Top Ten Worst Bible Readings To Have At A Wedding - Part III

Greetings good friends, and welcome back to our glacially slow plod through what should really be called the Bottom Ten Bible Readings To Have At A Wedding. If you missed Parts One and Two, then you may perhaps be wondering why we need a Top Ten Worst Bible Readings To Have At A Wedding list at all, and you will almost certainly be wondering why this post is punctuated with pictures from 80s weddings. If these questions are bothering you, I invite you to scour Parts One and Two for answers. And if you find any answers, perhaps you could tell me.

For some reason, looking at this makes me think of doing the washing up.

Anyway, we're up - or down - to number seven. And that means it's time to embrace the sticky subject of...

7) The Classic Seed Spilling Passage

It was only comparatively recently that I stumbled across the delightful word "onanism". For some reason they didn't teach us that one at school. Onanism, for anyone who was similarly poorly schooled, is another word for, um, the "M" word.* And if there is one thing you don't want mentioned at a wedding, it's the "M" word. (No, not "marriage". It would be fairly difficult to avoid mentioning marriage at a wedding. The other "M" word.)

The good news, therefore, is that this passage in Genesis - from which we get the word "onanism" - actually has nothing whatsoever to do with... you know.** In fact, just how Onan ever managed to give his name to this act is a bit of a mystery. This is precisely the sort of terminological inexactitude that results when people don't pay sufficient attention to the Bible. Look:

And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, and her name was Tamar. But Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and the Lord put him to death. Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother's wife and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother's wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother. And what he did was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and he put him to death also. (Genesis 38:6-10)

Clearly no "M" wording going on there.***
What is actually going on?

Well, according to Pope Pius XI, in the famous papal encyclical of 1930, Casti Connubii, this passage is a proof-text against the evils of contraception. As he says:

No reason, however grave, may be put forward by which anything intrinsically against nature may become conformable to nature and morally good. Since, therefore, the conjugal act is destined primarily by nature for the begetting of children, those who in exercising it deliberately frustrate its natural power and purpose sin against nature and commit a deed which is shameful and intrinsically vicious. Small wonder, therefore, if Holy Writ bears witness that the Divine Majesty regards with greatest detestation this horrible crime and at times has punished it with death.

Onan wastes his seed, God kills him, therefore contraception is a horrible crime. Iron-clad logic, no?

Subtle adjustments to the iron cladding.

Now, throughout the ages, many people have diligently obeyed the Pope, and their consciences, on this issue, at immense personal cost, and I would hate to trivialise their choices and sacrifices. It's a complex issue, and this Bible passage isn't the sole factor in the debate.

But...



If, as I believe, the Bible is the word of God, what does that say about how carefully we should study it? Are we happy with this interpretation? In the spirit of encouraging discernment when it comes to paying attention to the words of God, consider this: is the seed spilling the crime, or merely the means to the crime?

Onan had been given a specific job to do: provide his dead brother's wife with children. He refused to do it - simultaneously disobeying his father, dishonouring his brother, and disregarding his duty. He did it for selfish reasons, and he did it in a grubby, underhand way - which coincidentally entitled him to free sex on demand, from a grieving, childless widow. In short, he's guilty of far more than sowing his wild oats on the stony ground. To say that God put him to death simply for the act of spilling his seed is to imply that God cares more about sperm than about family loyalty, honesty, and filial obedience. Not a very high view of God's character.

Put it another way... Imagine that I knew you were allergic to peanuts, and I served you peanut butter in a deliberate attempt to kill you, and a judge rightly locked me up for doing so. "Long-winded blogger sentenced to life for serving peanut butter." scream the headlines.

Who would take those headlines and then seriously suggest that no one, anywhere, should ever serve anyone peanut butter again?

I'm not trying to pick a fight with the Pope. But if you are going to let some dude in a big hat tell you what the Bible means, then you are putting yourself at his mercy. Go get a copy and read it for yourself and make up your own mind. That applies to anything I tell you too. And I don't have a big hat.

I would love to see the Pope wearing a hat like this. After all, Little Bo Beep was a shepherd, and the Pope is supposed to be a shepherd too...

Anyway, all that's a massive aside.
The real reason you wouldn't want this at your wedding is because, even if you hire an experienced Shakespearean actor to read it for you, it's impossible to get through the first couple of lines without sounding hesitant. Try it.

Incidentally, the miserably abused Tamar does eventually get her offspring - becoming, if I've counted correctly, the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother of... Jesus Christ.




Well, that's it for this post; I'm rapidly weakening in my resolve to keep things clean. So very many risque jokes are lining up in my head and I don't know how long I can hold them in. But at least I managed to get through the whole post without saying "masturbation".****

Or without mentioning this:



See you soon for 8, 9 and 10.


*It's a family blog, okay?
**Still a family blog.
***Families.
****Oh bums.

The Top Ten Worst Bible Readings To Have At A Wedding - Part II

So. Tenterhooks.
Anyone know what a tenterhook actually is?
I do. I just looked it up. Shall I tell you? Maybe later.

Anyway, about two months ago I left the whole universe on tenterhooks with The Top Ten Worst Bible Readings To Have At A Wedding - Part I. Most of the universe was probably unaware that I'd left it on tenterhooks, but there you go, that's where it's been. For the six of you who did notice, and have been longing to read Part II, I am pleased to announce that your tenterhook tenure is now officially terminated. I hereby unhook you. So have a stretch, grab a cuppa, and join me in The Top Ten Worst Bible Readings To Have At A Wedding - Part II. Punctuated with photos of 80s weddings, because what the world needs now is 80s wedding photos, sweet 80s wedding photos.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Grumpy here is the only one who made it out alive; the other six are still in there somewhere...

Let's dive straight in with the old classic Boy Meets Girl, Boy Marries Girl, Boy Leaves Girl, Sets Fire To Foxes, Starts a War and Gets Girl Killed. Yes, it's a cliche, but only because it's so good.

6) The Classic Boy Meets Girl, Boy Marries Girl, Boy Leaves Girl, Sets Fire To Foxes, Starts a War and Gets Girl Killed Farce

We're in the book of Judges here - Judges 14 and 15 to be precise, and the boy in question is Samson, of Delilah fame. Yes, everyone's favourite hairy hero was wedded once, before the whole Delilah shearing incident. And, as you may have gleaned, it did not turn out especially well for his blushing bride.

The main reason you wouldn't want this passage read at your wedding, of course, is that it's quite long. I'll walk you through the highlights of the story here, but if you've got time, I'd suggest reading the original in all its glory instead.

Boy Meets Girl

Samson went down to Timnah, and at Timnah he saw one of the daughters of the Philistines. Then he came up and told his father and mother, “I saw one of the daughters of the Philistines at Timnah. Now get her for me as my wife.” (Judges 14:1-2)

Well, his parents are not best chuffed, what with the Philistines being ancient enemies of the Israelites and all, but Samson is pretty adamant, so the arrangements are made, leading to the natural next step:

Boy Kills Lion

Then Samson went down with his father and mother to Timnah, and they came to the vineyards of Timnah. And behold, a young lion came toward him roaring. Then the Spirit of the Lord rushed upon him, and although he had nothing in his hand, he tore the lion in pieces as one tears a young goat. But he did not tell his father or his mother what he had done. (Judges 14:5-6)

Incidentally, Samson and I are polar opposites. It never once occurred to me to tell my parents when I fancied a girl, but I was forever bringing home bits of the lions I had killed. (Oh, animal lovers be warned - it only gets worse.)

Okay, it's not a lion, but it could still do some damage. It's only the cat's natural fear of parasols that is preventing it from taking out the old lady.

Boy Causes Untold Misery With His Smart-Alekry

Some time later our boy takes a butchers at the beast he's bested, and beholds a bunch of bees abiding in the body. Not being the squeamish sort, he scoops out the honey and has a good old munch, and, since there was no Twitter or Facebook in those days, rather than writing a pithy status update, he composes this pleasing little riddle:

“Out of the eater came something to eat.
Out of the strong came something sweet.” (Judges 14:14)

Well, a riddle like that is clearly too good to waste, so he poses it to his thirty wedding guests, with a hefty bet at stake - thirty sets of clothes. And we're not just talking Moss Bros hire rates here. Now, wedding feasts in those days used to last seven days (try suggesting that to your prospective in-laws...) and by day four what may have seemed like friendly banter has become a little more serious...

On the fourth day they said to Samson's wife, “Entice your husband to tell us what the riddle is, lest we burn you and your father's house with fire." (Judges 14:15)

Needless to say, the new Mrs Samson is not thrilled by the way things are turning out:

And Samson's wife wept over him [Samson] and said, “You only hate me; you do not love me. You have put a riddle to my people, and you have not told me what it is.” And he said to her, “Behold, I have not told my father nor my mother, and shall I tell you?” She wept before him the seven days that their feast lasted, and on the seventh day he told her, because she pressed him hard. (Judges 14:16-17)

Seven days of weeping and nagging. Sounds like a great time for all involved.

Naturally, Samson is forced to cough up on the bet, because his wife promptly tells the people the answer to the riddle. It doesn't cost him anything though, because he does it by killing thirty other Philistines and nicking their clothes. Then he skulks off back to his parents, leaving his new wife, who gets given to his best man instead. The perfect climax to the celebrations, really.

Things Escalate, More Animals Die

Well, after a while, Samson decides to go and visit his wife, taking her a goat. After all, nothing says "Sorry I nearly got you burned alive" like a goat. But he's turned away by her father, who breaks the news to him that she's now wedded to his best man. Samson is not impressed:

So Samson went and caught 300 foxes and took torches. And he turned them tail to tail and put a torch between each pair of tails. And when he had set fire to the torches, he let the foxes go into the standing grain of the Philistines and set fire to the stacked grain and the standing grain, as well as the olive orchards." (Judges 15:4-5)

Yes, Samson invented Firefox.
(Sorry.)

Anyway, surprisingly enough, this doesn't go down well with the Philistines, who decide to follow through on their original threat: they burn Samson's (ex) wife, and her father, alive.

Samson retaliates and gives them an almighty smiting, causing a major diplomatic incident between Philistine and Judah; the men of Judah consequently arrest Samson and hand him over to the Philistines, at which point he escapes, grabs a donkey's jawbone, as you do, and kills 1000 of them. And, being the jolly, literary sort that he is, he composes a little ditty to round off proceedings:

“With the jawbone of a donkey,
heaps upon heaps,
with the jawbone of a donkey
have I struck down a thousand men.” (Judges 15:16)

And everyone who was still alive lived happily ever after.
For a bit.

With this hair, I thee wed. With my hair I honour you, all that I hair I hair to you, and all that I hair hair hair hair HAIR.

Actually, this would be a great reading to have at a wedding. Think about it: whatever complications, snarls, family arguments or logistical catastrophes happen on your Big Day, if anyone besides the groom makes it out alive then you are doing better than Samson. And to any fathers-in-law who are worried about your speech: if the guests aren't piling kindling around you, then you are probably doing okay.

What Is This Actually About? Or To Be Serious For A Moment...

Just in case this post is coming across as irreverent, I'd like to pause for a second to reveal where I stand. I believe that the Bible is the word of God. But I want to show that the word of God is rich; as I said in Part One, God doesn't talk in a monotone. For some reason, as a culture, we have come to believe that the holier something is, the more dull it needs to be. The Bible can't just be read out - it must be intoned, all contours eroded into a flat, emotionless chant - preferably in a cold, echoing space by someone well advanced in years, and, for bonus points, in a translation that is almost incomprehensible by today's standards.

One of the reasons I like writing these posts is because I love being able to point out the colour in the Bible - it's full of love, pain, loss, hope, misery, failure, victory, hilarity, farce, fury, horror, sex, intrigue, incest, death, dismemberment, fire, confusion, deceit, devotion, burning foxes and poo. Especially poo. Hopefully you can see that the tale of Samson and his wife is a cracking good yarn. We're meant to be saying "He did what!?"

But it also means something. God does not speak in a monotone, but nor does he speak just to enjoy the sound of his own voice. However extraordinary or random a passage might seem, there is always a reason for it.

Unlike the bubble perm mullet.

The reason for this one is found right at the top, when Samson's parents are pondering why their son wants to marry a Philistine, of all people:

His father and mother did not know that it was from the Lord, for he was seeking an opportunity against the Philistines. At that time the Philistines ruled over Israel. (Judges 14:4)

Yup, this whole fiasco, foxes and all, was a roundabout way of gaining victory against the Philistines... Although this was really just the warm-up act: Samson ultimately defeats the Philistines by bringing their temple down on top of himself, after the even-messier incident with Delilah, in Judges 16.

Samson was, all things considered, not the sharpest piccolo in the orchestra. A hero of the faith no doubt, but he gallivants around like a puppy, throwing his affections in all the worst directions, generally behaving irresponsibly and acting like a petulant teenager. And he set foxes on fire. Who does that? But he was God's chosen man. Flashback to before he was born:

There was a certain man of Zorah, of the tribe of the Danites, whose name was Manoah. And his wife was barren and had no children. And the angel of the Lord appeared to the woman and said to her, “Behold, you are barren and have not borne children, but you shall conceive and bear a son. Therefore be careful and drink no wine or strong drink, and eat nothing unclean, for behold, you shall conceive and bear a son. No razor shall come upon his head, for the child shall be a Nazirite to God from the womb, and he shall begin to save Israel from the hand of the Philistines.” (Judges 13:2-5)

So, a visitation from an angel, a miraculous birth, a child who is destined to save his people from their enemies, who is caught, imprisoned, tortured, and who eventual rescues his people through his death... ring any bells?

Yes, Samson is a glimpse; a deeply-flawed, fox-burning prototype of the real rescuer to come.
As I said, God does not speak in a monotone.


Right, that's enough for now.

Look out for The Top Ten Worst Bible Readings To Have At A Wedding Part III soon, when maybe we'll pick up the pace a little and actually finish the list... or not.

Oh... and a tenterhook? It's a hook for tenters.

The Pooverview - Part I

Well, despite all my best intentions, Christmas appears to be happening at me yet again. Joy. Now Christmas, as everyone knows, means gin, and the Doctor Who Christmas special. But is there more to it than that?
Yes, of course there is, and I'm sure everyone and his dog is writing about The True Meaning Of Christmas at the moment. So to liven things up slightly, and to make for more interesting conversations over the turkey, and because I never really grew up, I'd like to offer my own Overview Of The True Meaning Of Christmas, looking at things from a slightly different angle. A sort of bottom-up angle, if you will...
I hereby present:

The Pooverview: An Overview of the Bible in Nine (Bowel) Movements.

(Or: The Meaning Of Christmas Explained Through Several Key Moments In Salvation History Which Involve Human Excrement.)

It's a sort of Nine Lessons and Carols, only the lessons all feature poo, and there are no carols.

Don't worry, in order to raise things above the level of a merely tasteless exercise in scatological humour, I've opted to punctuate proceedings not with the usual pictures of Britney, but with high-brow works of art, carefully selected for their relevance and aesthetic beauty.

Ready?
Let's go.

1) First Movement - Paradise Down The Pan

Here's what Eden might have looked like,
if it had been in China during the early Qing Dynasty.
Artist: Shitao

The literal first movement is not specifically mentioned in the Bible, but I suspect it happens in Genesis 3.

In the beginning, you see, God made the earth. And Adam and Eve. And at this point, everything was good. Adam and Eve and God all lived together in the Garden of Eden. And then, in Genesis chapter 3, Adam and Eve rebel against God and disobey him.*

God responds by cursing creation. This is known as "The Fall".

Before the fall, work is good, relationships are good, the environment is good.
After the fall, work results in sweat, relationships are broken, we get pain from bearing children, shame at our own bodies, death, and presumably - though the Bible doesn't mention it specifically - poo.

Where it all went wrong.
Artist: Hans Baldung.

Now, we've got a lot of ground to cover in our Pooverview, so we can't go into much detail, but the important thing to remember here is this: We are in trouble. The whole of creation is cursed - we see it everywhere: war, famine, pain, cancer, death, the X-Factor... and, worse, mankind is now broken and failing to do the one thing for which it was designed - to reflect God's image, to live rightly with him. We're shattered mirrors, destined for an eternal scrap-heap.

Bit of a downer for a Christmas post, but Christmas doesn't make sense unless you understand the fall. The fall is The Big Problem, and the rest of the Bible is concerned with finding The Big Solution.

Status at the end of this movement: Mankind is doomed.

2) Second Movement - Digging For Victory

You shall have a place outside the camp, and you shall go out to it. And you shall have a trowel with your tools, and when you sit down outside, you shall dig a hole with it and turn back and cover up your excrement. Because the Lord your God walks in the midst of your camp, to deliver you and to give up your enemies before you, therefore your camp must be holy, so that he may not see anything indecent among you and turn away from you. (Deuteronomy 23:12-14)

We've leaped on significantly in Bible history by this point, but to fill in some gaps: Man's relationship with God has gone from bad to worse, but inexplicably God has chosen a nation to be his own treasured possession. This nation is Israel, and God has promised that somehow, through Israel, he will bless all nations. Israel didn't do anything special to deserve this treatment - they are special because God decided they would be special.
The story of God's relationship with Israel takes up most of the Old Testament, and two key truths are held in tension throughout. This passage neatly illustrates them both:
a) Israel enjoys a unique relationship with God - he walks in the midst of their camp. He fights for them. This is massive. It's like a tiny foretaste of the Big Solution.
b) But a Holy God requires a Holy Camp. Israel's relationship with God depends on their obedience to him - their cleanliness. Which leads to all sorts of problems, of which waste disposal is but the grubby tip of the iceberg. The Big Problem is bigger than ever - how can a righteous God live with an unrighteous people?
Status at the end of this movement: Life is good for Israel, if they can obey God... but the rest of the world is still waiting for a solution to come about, somehow, through Israel.

"Dammit! You've hidden my trowel again!"
Artist: Franz Von Stuck.

3) Third Movement - The Chamber Of Secretions

Moving on in Israel's history, we are into The Time Of The Judges. The Time Of The Judges is a time when Israel was ruled and judged by, er, Judges. You can read about it in the book of Judges.

At the end of the previous movement we were wondering whether Israel would be able to obey God and hence enjoy the blessings of his rule. The answer, in Judges, is a pretty resounding NO. The pattern of behaviour throughout the book is basically an ever-worsening cycle of:
1) Israel abandon God...
2) So God abandons Israel to their enemies...
3) Israel cry out for rescue.
4) God sends a Judge to rescue them.
5) Everyone is rescued, all is good, everyone behaves, until...
6) The judge dies. Back to step one.

Famous judges include Samson - he with the flowing locks, the superhuman strength, and the weakness for seductive-yet-evil Philistine gals. But my favourite judge is this guy - Ehud. Ehud was a left-handed man - hurrah for the left-handers - and he pioneered the whole left-handed hiding-a-sword-down-your-trousers technique for disposing of evil kings:

And Ehud came to him as he was sitting alone in his cool roof chamber. And Ehud said, “I have a message from God for you.” And he arose from his seat. And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out. Then Ehud went out into the porch and closed the doors of the roof chamber behind him and locked them.When he had gone, the servants came, and when they saw that the doors of the roof chamber were locked, they thought, “Surely he is relieving himself in the closet of the cool chamber.” And they waited till they were embarrassed. But when he still did not open the doors of the roof chamber, they took the key and opened them, and there lay their lord dead on the floor. (Judges 3:20-25)

Status at the end of this movement: Things are not looking great for Israel. What they seem to need is a rescuer who will judge the land wisely, but who won't die...

Winner in the Best-Dressed Judges-With-Swords Category, 1740.
Artist: Jean-Baptiste Van Loo.

4) Fourth Movement - Trouble On The Throne

After The Time Of The Judges, Israel decide they want a King. The model king was King David. God makes some significant promises to and through David - the Big Solution we are looking for will be a King, of David's line.

Unfortunately, a lot of David's offspring were total losers, who abandoned God and led the whole of Israel into deep doo-doo. David's grandson manages to split Israel into two totally separate, and occasionally warring, kingdoms: Israel and Judah - the Northern and Southern kingdoms. While Judah gets to keep the Davidic royal line, both kingdoms suffer from corrupt and faithless rulers.

Corrupt and faithless rulers are a Very Bad Thing, because the fate of God's people is closely tied to the fate of the ruler. If the king is rotten, the country will start to smell pretty bad pretty quickly...

When the crown slips, it'll take more than a giant beard to set things right.
Artist: Julius Klinger.

This was God's verdict against Jeroboam, the first king of the Southern Kingdom:

Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone. (1 Kings 10:14)**

And this is his verdict against Jehoram, the fifth king of the Northern Kingdom, who, amongst other things, killed all his brothers, and "led the inhabitants of Jerusalem into whoredom":

You yourself will have a severe sickness with a disease of your bowels, until your bowels come out because of the disease, day by day. (2 Chronicles 21:15)

And, because what God says will happen always happens:

In the course of time, at the end of two years, his bowels came out because of the disease, and he died in great agony. His people made no fire in his honour, like the fires made for his fathers. He was thirty-two years old when he began to reign, and he reigned eight years in Jerusalem. And he departed with no one's regret. (2 Chronicles 21:19-20)

Ouch.
The lesson is, of course, that God's King needs to be faithful to God - for the good of God's people, and for the good of his own bowels.

Status at the end of this movement: Very bad. Israel desperately need a good king, one who will rule them faithfully, who is completely obedient to God...

5) Fifth Movement - An Enema At The Gates 

And your food that you eat shall be by weight, twenty shekels a day; from day to day you shall eat it. And water you shall drink by measure, the sixth part of a hin; from day to day you shall drink. And you shall eat it as a barley cake, baking it in their sight on human dung. (Ezekiel 4:10-12)

By now I hope we've seen the trajectory that Israel is on. So let's skip forward to the time of Jehoram's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson, ish. What news? Well, the Northern Kingdom is defunct by this point, having been captured and resettled by Assyria. That's ten whole tribes of Israel gone forever. The Southern Kingdom - Judah - has largely been taken into captivity by Babylon, and the capital city, Jerusalem, is under siege. God has acted just as he said he would all along: after generations of escalating disobedience, God calls time; Israel is sent into exile.

Here's what the sacking of Jerusalem might have looked like if it had been Troy.
Artist: Jacob Willemszoon de Wet.

To make sure his people understand why this is happening, God uses some pretty extraordinary visual aids. In this scene, the Prophet Ezekiel is being commanded to enact the siege of Jerusalem. He has to create a model of the city, complete with model siegeworks, his food is carefully rationed, he has to lie on his side for 390 days, and he has to cook his food on burning poop. (God allows him to use animal poop in the end.) All in all, not a terribly fun time for Ezekiel, but it would be hard to miss the point.

Status at the end of this movement: Disaster. Israel is gone, and with it all hope for The Big Solution. Even God's chosen people, with all their advantages and privileges, have consistently demonstrated an utter failure to relate rightly to God.
This should really be the end of the story - all hopes flushed.
But remember that God made certain promises, and he always keeps his promises, so...

6) Sixth Movement - The Return

Also I make a decree that if anyone alters this edict, a beam shall be pulled out of his house, and he shall be impaled on it, and his house shall be made a dunghill. (Ezra 6:11)

Guess what?
Judah doesn't stay in exile.
Remember all the rubbish kings, who should have been leading God's people in a relationship with God, but ended up leading them into exile?
Well, irony of ironies, now we get some examples of foreign kings who totally get it. First of all King Cyrus, king of Persia, sends the Jews home to rebuild the temple in Jerusalem. Then, a while later, after the Jews hit some trouble with opposition to the rebuilding, King Darius of Persia issues the above edict about anyone who tries to stop the rebuilding. Nice, huh? I would like to hear Sir Alan Sugar use that line on someone.***

Here's what the new temple might have looked like if it had been Notre Dame.
Artist: Frank M Boggs.

So, right at the end of the Old Testament, we get this little glimmer of hope. It's very much like those bonus scenes you get after the credits in a movie, that appear to open things up for the sequel.
Unfortunately the glimmer of hope is pretty short-lived, since the Jews immediately start disobeying God and mucking things up all over again.

Status at the end of this movement: Not even total exile and unwarranted miraculous return has sorted out man's attitude problem towards God. But at least God's chosen people have survived, so there is still some hope that the Big Solution will come along one day...

Getting Ready For The Final Push:

Let's recap...
Man's relationship with God has been fundamentally broken.
This means death - physical and spiritual - for all people.
This is The Big Problem, and the whole of creation is yearning for The Big Solution.

Whose fault is this?
Who can fix it?

Why is the Old Testament so long?

Why is this post so long?

This post is long because it's trying to summarise the whole of the Old Testament. And because I can't write short posts.

The Old Testament is long, because that's how much time we need to learn the answer to the first two questions:

It's our fault.
And only God can fix it.

The history of God's relationship with Israel, with all its ups and downs, repeatedly teaches us the same thing: We are guilty, and we can't put things right. Maybe we just need a new start? Nope - Noah shows us that doesn't work. Maybe we just need a bit of discipline? Nope, it didn't work with Israel. Maybe we'll love God properly if he gives us loads of good stuff? Nope, didn't work with Israel. Maybe we don't love God properly because he hasn't told us enough about himself? Nope, didn't work with Israel. Maybe we just need shaking up a bit? Nope, didn't work with Israel. And so on and so on and so on and so on.

But through all this, God repeatedly drops hints that he will sort things out for us - that The Big Solution is coming. This solution will be a man - he'll be the perfect Judge, as we saw Israel needed. He'll be the perfect King, as we saw Israel needed. And through him all the nations of the earth will be blessed.

So that, dear readers, is why we get all excited about a poor wee baby in a manger in Bethlehem.

In the second and last part of the Pooverview, we'll look at the New Testament Dung References and what they teach us about Jesus.

Merry Christmas one and all.

Artist: Millard Sheets.

* This was the whole incident with the forbidden fruit. Trivia fans: The Bible doesn't actually say it was an apple, just that it was a fruit. In keeping with the theme of this post, I will reveal my own theory, born from the special insight I received during an eye-wateringly horrible and embarrassing twenty-five-minute-long episode in the smallest room of a vicar's house one Sunday morning following an unwise Saturday night pizza choice: it wasn't an apple, it was a chili pepper.
** I've gone for the King James Version here, because of the charming use of the word 'pisseth'. Love it.
*** Except that would involve me having to watch the Apprentice.

Britney, Booze and the Bible III - Don't You Know That You're Toxic?

I have a crippling fear of twigs.

That's not actually true. For reasons that will soon become apparent, I'm not going to tell you what I actually have a crippling fear of. For the sake of this story, it's twigs. Twigs freak the hey out of me. I don't want to see them, I don't want to touch them, I don't even want to hear the word "twig". I especially don't want you to poke one in my face. Sometimes I wonder why no one else in the world is bothered by twigs. How is it that I, alone out of the whole human race, have been burdened with the knowledge of how terrifyingly, contaminatingly repulsive these things are? How does the rest of the world spin blithely on, oblivious to the twiggy terrors slowly accumulating all around them? How do they accept the presence of twigs in their lives with such seeming equanimity, for all the world behaving as if these things aren't actually toxic, deadly, and bent on our execution?

Sometimes, in my fear-crazed loneliness, when my dreams have been filled with the eldritch tappings of wood on glass, and the darkness outside the window seems to be poised, waiting for me to blink so it can send its clutching oaken fingers smashing through the pane and into my face, in those chill moments I seek solace in a close friend and try to share the truth with them. To confess my phobia and hear words of understanding, agreement and encouragement. And I've found that when I do so, no matter how close the friend, no matter how kind, no matter how understanding, loving, empathetic and loyal they may be, it always ends the same way:

With them poking a bloody twig in my face.

Fun fact: if you tell someone you have a weird phobia, their first instinct is to test it. And when they discover that you are, indeed, mortally afraid of whatever weird thing you are mortally afraid of, their second instinct is to keep poking it in your face so they can laugh at your ridiculous over-reaction. Their third instinct is to tell all your friends, so that everyone can share in the hilarity of poking you in the face. And it will never cease to be funny to them.

So this is why I'm talking about twigs, and not my actual phobias. (I realise that some of you probably know my actual phobias, and are right now contemplating how funny it would be to write them in a comment. I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN. I don't care if you comment anonymously. I'll find you and I'll make you eat your keyboard. Without ketchup.)

At least I'm not terrified of chairs, like poor Britney.

Anyway, you might be wondering what a fear of twigs has to do with Britney, booze and the Bible, for yes, that is where we are today. This is Britney, Booze and the Bible Part Three, no less. In part one we looked at some of the negative things the Bible has to say about booze. If you are new to this series, part one had the most nudity, incest and murder, and is probably therefore the most fun to read. Part two looked at some of the positive things the Bible says about booze, which was generally a little less colourful, though there were some slightly raunchy bits. What, you ask, is there left to discuss in part three? Well, let me answer that with a question. Imagine for a moment that you've just moved into an amazing enchanted castle. There are talking candlesticks, dancing tea-cups - a culinary cabaret, in fact, that is prepared and served with flair - and you are allowed to go anywhere, do anything - the whole place is at your disposal. There are friendly singing wardrobes full of sumptuous ball gowns (or nice tweed suits, if ball gowns are not your thing), and you can basically live like a Princess. Or a Prince. There is only one teeny tiny restriction: The west wing is out of bounds.

So.

Where do you want to go?

Let me ask you another. You are in paradise. This is not just a flying visit on some fortnight's tropical holiday - you've just been given paradise to live in. It's perfect - completely unspoilt by ugly 60s architecture, pylons, elevator music, Simon Cowell, death or disease. You don't have to work behind a desk all week for a stupid or mean boss, you have no predators, the lions and tigers are all friendly, food just grows on trees - even chocolate, and it's no longer bad for you - the climate is so good you don't even need to wear clothes, and it's all yours to do with as you will. You are in charge. Oh, and the love of your life is right there with you. No catches, no small print, no contractual obligations - except one. Everything in the whole world is yours, except for the fruit of one particular tree. Out of the billions of trees around, precisely one is forbidden.

Let it sink in... and now:

What do you want to eat?

Or back where we started: You're holding a twig. Your best friend has just told you he has a mortal fear of twigs. His face is about a twig's length away from you. He looks unsuspecting. What do you want to do?

Be honest. Who hasn't just mentally poked me in the face with a twig, grabbed the forbidden fruit off the tree and run into the west wing?

It's human nature, right?

Human nature... is broken.

What girl can resist the lure of a floating glowing magical rose?

If you are still with me, be warned: things are going to get ugly. The Bible has some controversial stuff to say about human nature. Way more controversial than all the tired rumblings about women bishops, gay marriage, Catholic condoms, evolution, and whether or not reading Harry Potter will turn your children into satanists. What the Bible says about the heart is so counter-cultural that there should be cries of outrage on the front page of every newspaper. I've never seen it on the front page of a newspaper. I've never seen it anywhere in any newspaper. This could be because I never actually read the newspaper. But I think it is because no one in their right mind would print it. So I present a challenge: if you run a newspaper, here's tomorrow's headline for you:

"Human heart is evil", says Bible.

Are you a human? Do you have a heart? The Bible says it's evil. Your heart, my heart, Britney's heart, Mother Theresa's heart... evil, evil, evil, evil.

If you are normal, your reaction to that is probably along the lines of "Tosh, what nonsense! Evil? My heart? Damn your eyes for your impudence, by jove!" The Bible's clearly wrong - our heart tells us that. Of course, if the Bible's right, that's exactly what our heart would tell us...

Anyhoo, to flesh out our front page story, here's a quick summary of the case for the prosecution, in the form of a rapid whizz through Bible history, from Genesis to Mark.

It's as if she knew that one day I'd want to write a blog post in which I
tenuously linked her with the whole Garden Of Eden serpent thing.

Adam and Eve we already covered with the whole forbidden-fruit-in-paradise question, so let's skip on a few generations. We probably remember the story of Noah's Ark from Sunday School, or from watching Evan Almighty, or from that song that goes "Two by two by two by two by two by two by two" etc*. Here's God's verdict on mankind shortly before the flood:

"The LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually". (Genesis 6:5)

So God gets Noah to build an ark, the flood happens, there's a rainbow, and everything is spiffing and jolly again, right? Wrong. Here's God's verdict on mankind shortly after the flood:

“I will never again curse the ground because of man, for the intention of man's heart is evil from his youth." (Genesis 8:21)

Not "The problem is fixed, so I don't need to flood the world anymore." Man's heart hasn't changed. The thing that has changed is that God has made a promise. The human heart is still evil.

Moving on a few hundred years in Bible history, to God's chosen people, Israel. Have you ever found yourself cycling through Stamford Hill, and seen all the Hasidic Jews out a-walking? (If so, was there a little part of you that wanted to join them, dress up like them and start singing Fiddler On The Roof? No? Just me?) Well, have you ever wondered why they have tassels dangling from their clothes? Those things are called tzitzits, which is my new favourite word of all time. According to the Bible, they are there as a reminder:

The Lord said to Moses, “Speak to the people of Israel, and tell them to make tassels on the corners of their garments throughout their generations, and to put a cord of blue on the tassel of each corner. And it shall be a tassel for you to look at and remember all the commandments of the Lord, to do them, not to follow after your own heart and your own eyes, which you are inclined to whore after." (Numbers 15:37-39)

Every time they get dressed, every time they get a tassel caught in a revolving door or a toaster or the office photocopier, every time some idiot on a pink Brompton cycles past and starts singing "If I were a rich man", they are being reminded that following their heart is going to lead to what God rather emotively calls whoredom.

Brit's Tzitzits.
(By the way, don't try googling for "Britney tassels")

On another few generations, and we get to the prophet Jeremiah. Has the situation improved? No. Here's what Jeremiah had to say:

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9)

Not a terribly encouraging diagnosis, but let's keep going. Final stop - whizz forward to around 30AD, and here's what Jesus has to say:

And he said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” (Mark 7:20-23)

If this isn't bleak enough, let me just add that, in Jewish culture, the heart wasn't just the warm squishy bit that houses our emotions. It was the seat of intelligence - the place from which we make decisions. Heart, mind, soul, our inner voice, our id, however you want to define it... according to the Bible, you can not trust it.

"I can't trust it? Really? You mean its advice to stand in the middle of
the road, in my underwear, in the rain, might not have been sound?"

When I first learnt this, I freaked out, and instantly tied myself in knots. You know that thing where someone says "Everything I say is a lie", and then your head explodes as you try to work out whether they are telling the truth or not?*** Like that. If my heart is deceitful above all things, then how can I ever make a decision? An abyss of uncertainty opened up beneath my feet. But the heart doesn't lie all the time. The Bible is also full of examples of people acting out a heart desire to do good things. In the course of writing this post, I read through about four hundred references to the heart in the Bible... in some cases, the heart inclines in the right direction. In some cases it inclines in the wrong direction. And in some cases God instructs his people to educate their hearts, to guard them, to steer them in the right direction. I think the Bible's teaching can be summarised like this: the heart is an unruly child - capable of good things, but if you leave it to its own devices, you will be in a pickle.

Can you see why I said this should be the mother of all controversies? Can you see the monumental collision between our culture and the Bible here? From the day we are born, we are being taught to follow our hearts... it is an all-pervasive message. Just for the fun of it, let me share a small selection of my favourite follow-your-heart things:

In pop music:

Roxette - Listen To Your Heart - I love love love this song.
Reba McEntire - The Heart Won't Lie - the queen of country music tells it like it isn't.
Britney - Heart - from the good ol' days when Britney wore more clothes and sang about innocent things like high-school romances and how people needed to hit her baby one more time, which, come to think of it, doesn't sound all that wise. Anyway, in this song she claims that her heart will always be her friend. The Bible, of course, claims that we're often at war with our hearts.
Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye - Stop, Look And Listen (To Your Heart) - funky rhythms, a nice key change, heretical lyrics - this song has it all.

There are millions more, of course.


In books:

Paulo Coelho - The Alchemist
Apparently Russell Crowe said this: "When I'm on the set with young actors and sometimes you meet people in life who you feel they are a little confused and they want to be re-centered, there are two books that I always recommend. One of them is Siddhartha, and the other is The Alchemist."
I don't really want to pick a fight with Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius (though I already picked a fight with Marcus Aurelius), but if you want to be re-centered, don't go to him for reading advice. The Alchemist is a gorgeous, gorgeous fable, and I really enjoyed it, but it's based on the premise that your heart is a truthful, wise thing that will lead you right if you just listen to it closely enough. Which is just guff, according to the Bible.


In children's songs:


Thumbelina - Follow Your Heart - "You are sure to do impossible things, if you follow your heart". Um, no, because impossible things are impossible to do, no matter how much bad advice you listen to...

But here's my absolute favourite, because I listened to it as a child, and I've only met (so far) one other person who has ever heard this... For some inexplicable reason, someone managed to crowbar this song into a version of Beatrix Potter's Tale Of The Flopsy Bunnies (If I got this embedding thing right then the YouTube clip should be queued up for the song. If not you'll need to skip ahead to 2:11... or just listen to the whole fabulous thing. We don't care, we don't care, we don't care a fig...)

Well, by now you are probably giving serious consideration to grabbing yourselves a twig and poking me in the face with it, so I won't bother listing all the movies that in some way base their premise on the innate goodness of the human heart. Instead, as an exercise to the reader, I challenge you to keep an eye out, the next time you watch something with the kids, to see how much of what is being fed to them is based on this assumption. If you don't agree with the Bible, of course, then this needn't trouble you, except to say that it doesn't leave much room for the argument that this country is basically Christian. Orthodox Christian belief and the message our culture teaches our kids are two fundamentally opposed things. Pick a side.

I don't know why I'm arguing that point, since I don't actually have any kids. Maybe because I've been up for twenty hours and I'm starting to hallucinate. So let's draw this to a close.

What does all this have to do with booze?
Simple.
I used to drink, like many, to lose my inhibitions.

Anyone who has seen a horror movie will tell you that you do not open a mysterious looking door until you know for a fact that there is nothing nasty waiting to come out.

If the Bible is right about the human heart - and I believe it is - then there are some doors I think are best left closed.

The End.

*I met Joseph Horovitz** once. He seemed like a very lovely man. He said "Hi, I'm Joseph Horowitz." I said "Ah yes! Two by two by two by two by two by two by two!" Sadly we did not become the best of friends.

** An important and serious composer of many things, only one of which is Captain Noah and His Floating Zoo, featuring the song that goes "Two by two by two by two by two by two by two..."

*** Captain Kirk frequently used this technique to destroy enemy robots. I was always a little sceptical. I do not believe this method would have stopped The Terminator.