The Top Ten Worst Bible Readings To Have At A Wedding - Part II

So. Tenterhooks.
Anyone know what a tenterhook actually is?
I do. I just looked it up. Shall I tell you? Maybe later.

Anyway, about two months ago I left the whole universe on tenterhooks with The Top Ten Worst Bible Readings To Have At A Wedding - Part I. Most of the universe was probably unaware that I'd left it on tenterhooks, but there you go, that's where it's been. For the six of you who did notice, and have been longing to read Part II, I am pleased to announce that your tenterhook tenure is now officially terminated. I hereby unhook you. So have a stretch, grab a cuppa, and join me in The Top Ten Worst Bible Readings To Have At A Wedding - Part II. Punctuated with photos of 80s weddings, because what the world needs now is 80s wedding photos, sweet 80s wedding photos.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Grumpy here is the only one who made it out alive; the other six are still in there somewhere...

Let's dive straight in with the old classic Boy Meets Girl, Boy Marries Girl, Boy Leaves Girl, Sets Fire To Foxes, Starts a War and Gets Girl Killed. Yes, it's a cliche, but only because it's so good.

6) The Classic Boy Meets Girl, Boy Marries Girl, Boy Leaves Girl, Sets Fire To Foxes, Starts a War and Gets Girl Killed Farce

We're in the book of Judges here - Judges 14 and 15 to be precise, and the boy in question is Samson, of Delilah fame. Yes, everyone's favourite hairy hero was wedded once, before the whole Delilah shearing incident. And, as you may have gleaned, it did not turn out especially well for his blushing bride.

The main reason you wouldn't want this passage read at your wedding, of course, is that it's quite long. I'll walk you through the highlights of the story here, but if you've got time, I'd suggest reading the original in all its glory instead.

Boy Meets Girl

Samson went down to Timnah, and at Timnah he saw one of the daughters of the Philistines. Then he came up and told his father and mother, “I saw one of the daughters of the Philistines at Timnah. Now get her for me as my wife.” (Judges 14:1-2)

Well, his parents are not best chuffed, what with the Philistines being ancient enemies of the Israelites and all, but Samson is pretty adamant, so the arrangements are made, leading to the natural next step:

Boy Kills Lion

Then Samson went down with his father and mother to Timnah, and they came to the vineyards of Timnah. And behold, a young lion came toward him roaring. Then the Spirit of the Lord rushed upon him, and although he had nothing in his hand, he tore the lion in pieces as one tears a young goat. But he did not tell his father or his mother what he had done. (Judges 14:5-6)

Incidentally, Samson and I are polar opposites. It never once occurred to me to tell my parents when I fancied a girl, but I was forever bringing home bits of the lions I had killed. (Oh, animal lovers be warned - it only gets worse.)

Okay, it's not a lion, but it could still do some damage. It's only the cat's natural fear of parasols that is preventing it from taking out the old lady.

Boy Causes Untold Misery With His Smart-Alekry

Some time later our boy takes a butchers at the beast he's bested, and beholds a bunch of bees abiding in the body. Not being the squeamish sort, he scoops out the honey and has a good old munch, and, since there was no Twitter or Facebook in those days, rather than writing a pithy status update, he composes this pleasing little riddle:

“Out of the eater came something to eat.
Out of the strong came something sweet.” (Judges 14:14)

Well, a riddle like that is clearly too good to waste, so he poses it to his thirty wedding guests, with a hefty bet at stake - thirty sets of clothes. And we're not just talking Moss Bros hire rates here. Now, wedding feasts in those days used to last seven days (try suggesting that to your prospective in-laws...) and by day four what may have seemed like friendly banter has become a little more serious...

On the fourth day they said to Samson's wife, “Entice your husband to tell us what the riddle is, lest we burn you and your father's house with fire." (Judges 14:15)

Needless to say, the new Mrs Samson is not thrilled by the way things are turning out:

And Samson's wife wept over him [Samson] and said, “You only hate me; you do not love me. You have put a riddle to my people, and you have not told me what it is.” And he said to her, “Behold, I have not told my father nor my mother, and shall I tell you?” She wept before him the seven days that their feast lasted, and on the seventh day he told her, because she pressed him hard. (Judges 14:16-17)

Seven days of weeping and nagging. Sounds like a great time for all involved.

Naturally, Samson is forced to cough up on the bet, because his wife promptly tells the people the answer to the riddle. It doesn't cost him anything though, because he does it by killing thirty other Philistines and nicking their clothes. Then he skulks off back to his parents, leaving his new wife, who gets given to his best man instead. The perfect climax to the celebrations, really.

Things Escalate, More Animals Die

Well, after a while, Samson decides to go and visit his wife, taking her a goat. After all, nothing says "Sorry I nearly got you burned alive" like a goat. But he's turned away by her father, who breaks the news to him that she's now wedded to his best man. Samson is not impressed:

So Samson went and caught 300 foxes and took torches. And he turned them tail to tail and put a torch between each pair of tails. And when he had set fire to the torches, he let the foxes go into the standing grain of the Philistines and set fire to the stacked grain and the standing grain, as well as the olive orchards." (Judges 15:4-5)

Yes, Samson invented Firefox.
(Sorry.)

Anyway, surprisingly enough, this doesn't go down well with the Philistines, who decide to follow through on their original threat: they burn Samson's (ex) wife, and her father, alive.

Samson retaliates and gives them an almighty smiting, causing a major diplomatic incident between Philistine and Judah; the men of Judah consequently arrest Samson and hand him over to the Philistines, at which point he escapes, grabs a donkey's jawbone, as you do, and kills 1000 of them. And, being the jolly, literary sort that he is, he composes a little ditty to round off proceedings:

“With the jawbone of a donkey,
heaps upon heaps,
with the jawbone of a donkey
have I struck down a thousand men.” (Judges 15:16)

And everyone who was still alive lived happily ever after.
For a bit.

With this hair, I thee wed. With my hair I honour you, all that I hair I hair to you, and all that I hair hair hair hair HAIR.

Actually, this would be a great reading to have at a wedding. Think about it: whatever complications, snarls, family arguments or logistical catastrophes happen on your Big Day, if anyone besides the groom makes it out alive then you are doing better than Samson. And to any fathers-in-law who are worried about your speech: if the guests aren't piling kindling around you, then you are probably doing okay.

What Is This Actually About? Or To Be Serious For A Moment...

Just in case this post is coming across as irreverent, I'd like to pause for a second to reveal where I stand. I believe that the Bible is the word of God. But I want to show that the word of God is rich; as I said in Part One, God doesn't talk in a monotone. For some reason, as a culture, we have come to believe that the holier something is, the more dull it needs to be. The Bible can't just be read out - it must be intoned, all contours eroded into a flat, emotionless chant - preferably in a cold, echoing space by someone well advanced in years, and, for bonus points, in a translation that is almost incomprehensible by today's standards.

One of the reasons I like writing these posts is because I love being able to point out the colour in the Bible - it's full of love, pain, loss, hope, misery, failure, victory, hilarity, farce, fury, horror, sex, intrigue, incest, death, dismemberment, fire, confusion, deceit, devotion, burning foxes and poo. Especially poo. Hopefully you can see that the tale of Samson and his wife is a cracking good yarn. We're meant to be saying "He did what!?"

But it also means something. God does not speak in a monotone, but nor does he speak just to enjoy the sound of his own voice. However extraordinary or random a passage might seem, there is always a reason for it.

Unlike the bubble perm mullet.

The reason for this one is found right at the top, when Samson's parents are pondering why their son wants to marry a Philistine, of all people:

His father and mother did not know that it was from the Lord, for he was seeking an opportunity against the Philistines. At that time the Philistines ruled over Israel. (Judges 14:4)

Yup, this whole fiasco, foxes and all, was a roundabout way of gaining victory against the Philistines... Although this was really just the warm-up act: Samson ultimately defeats the Philistines by bringing their temple down on top of himself, after the even-messier incident with Delilah, in Judges 16.

Samson was, all things considered, not the sharpest piccolo in the orchestra. A hero of the faith no doubt, but he gallivants around like a puppy, throwing his affections in all the worst directions, generally behaving irresponsibly and acting like a petulant teenager. And he set foxes on fire. Who does that? But he was God's chosen man. Flashback to before he was born:

There was a certain man of Zorah, of the tribe of the Danites, whose name was Manoah. And his wife was barren and had no children. And the angel of the Lord appeared to the woman and said to her, “Behold, you are barren and have not borne children, but you shall conceive and bear a son. Therefore be careful and drink no wine or strong drink, and eat nothing unclean, for behold, you shall conceive and bear a son. No razor shall come upon his head, for the child shall be a Nazirite to God from the womb, and he shall begin to save Israel from the hand of the Philistines.” (Judges 13:2-5)

So, a visitation from an angel, a miraculous birth, a child who is destined to save his people from their enemies, who is caught, imprisoned, tortured, and who eventual rescues his people through his death... ring any bells?

Yes, Samson is a glimpse; a deeply-flawed, fox-burning prototype of the real rescuer to come.
As I said, God does not speak in a monotone.


Right, that's enough for now.

Look out for The Top Ten Worst Bible Readings To Have At A Wedding Part III soon, when maybe we'll pick up the pace a little and actually finish the list... or not.

Oh... and a tenterhook? It's a hook for tenters.

The Top Ten Worst Bible Readings To Have At A Wedding - Part I

It turns out that I'm getting married about 34 hours from now. Which means two things. Firstly, that I should have been asleep four hours ago. And secondly, that now is the perfect time to introduce my Top Ten List Of The Worst Bible Readings To Have At A Wedding, Interspersed With Unrelated 80s Wedding Photographs.

Let's jump straight in for once. No time for preamble. Gotta a wedding to get to.

1) The Classic John / 1 John Error

I do not know who this man is, but I want his hair.

So, big chunks of the New Testament were written by a chap called John. You can tell which bits he wrote, because they are named after him. He wrote 1 John, and he wrote 2 John, and he wrote 3 John, and he wrote John's Gospel. Oh, and he wrote Revelation. Which is Greek for John.*

Anyway, this is one of those well-known things that your cousin's mate's ex-boyfriend's sister's work colleague's daughter genuinely heard had happened to someone once somewhere: the classic John / 1 John mix up.

Here is 1 John 4:16:

God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.

And so on. Good wedding material.

Aaaaand here is John 4:16-18:

Jesus said to her, “Go, call your husband, and come here.” The woman answered him, “I have no husband.” Jesus said to her, “You are right in saying, ‘I have no husband’; for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband. What you have said is true.”

Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it?

2) The Classic Song of Songs Error

I just love this picture. In case you can't quite make it out, the little girl
looks about as angry as you can imagine anyone being able to look.

This one actually allegedly happened at an actual alleged wedding an actual friend of mine allegedly went to. Consider this well-known and much-loved passage from The Song of Songs:

Many waters cannot quench love,
    neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
    all the wealth of his house,
    he would be utterly despised.
(Song of Songs 8:7)

And here's what happens if you fail to stop there, but read one verse too many:

We have a little sister,
    and she has no breasts.
What shall we do for our sister
    on the day when she is spoken for?

What indeed?

3) The Classic Go-And-Marry-A-Prostitute Passage

Um. Words fail me.

When the Lord first spoke through Hosea, the Lord said to Hosea, “Go, take to yourself a wife of whoredom and have children of whoredom, for the land commits great whoredom by forsaking the Lord.” So he went and took Gomer, the daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son. (Hosea 1:2-3)

What's going on here then? Did God just prompt his prophet to propose to a prostitute? Why, yes, he did.

Three things it is helpful to know:

Firstly, marriage in the Bible is often used as a picture of God's relationship with his chosen people. So the New Testament - in the aforementioned book of Revelation - climaxes with a wedding feast, celebrating the marriage between Jesus Christ and his chosen people, the church. And in the Old Testament, God's chosen people Israel are often described as committing adultery by being unfaithful to God. God is the faithful husband, Israel is the unfaithful bride.

Secondly, God is not some pallid, monotonous drone, muttering self-effacingly in the corner. When he wants to get a message across, he doesn't just send round a flat, lifeless memo. He uses metaphors. He uses similes. He uses preludes, and postludes, and foreshadowing and poetry and miracles and talking donkeys and multiple angles and shouting and whispering and sweeping thematic lines that scythe through thousands of years of history. He illustrates. Sometimes the illustrations are pretty striking. Like making your messenger marry a moll.

Thirdly, God doesn't overreact. If God appears to us to be behaving in a selfish, capricious way, simply to make a point, then we probably haven't understood how important the point he's making is. If he thinks the message is worth having Hosea hitched to a harlot, then it must be an important message.

Anyway, it's still probably not a very good reading to have at a wedding.

4) The Classic Bit About The Donkey, Um, Bits

They made those dresses out of curtains, and any second now they are going
to start hopping up and down those steps singing "Doe, a deer..."

We've just seen the prophet Hosea enacting the unfaithfulness of Israel. Here's another, vivid description of the same idea, this time via the prophet Ezekiel. This is just a brief flavour - for the full effect, read the whole chapter. It will leave you in no doubt as to how God feels when his people turn away from him.

Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses.
(Ezekiel 23:19-20)

Again, God is not some prissy mumbler. He doesn't mince his words. He sees the faithlessness of his people, and he describes it as something debased, debilitating, diseased and disgusting. Incidentally, for anyone who thinks that freedom lies in rejecting God's rule, the two women described in this chapter are clearly anything but free - they are slaves to their own self-destructive desires. Just a thought.

5) The Classic "Love Is..." Bit

It was a very hot day. When the breeze finally got going they all heaved a thigh of relief.

Yup, 1 Corinthians 13:

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
(1 Corinthians 13:1-3)

Why is this on the list? It crops up in weddings all the time. To be read with that sort of dreamy, far-off voice that people reserve for Deep Things In Churches.

The trouble is, Paul, who wrote it, probably wasn't intending it to be read in a dreamy, far-off kind of way. He was probably thinking more along the lines of B.A Baracus: I pity the fool who has not love. (He comes pretty close to B.A, actually - eg 15:36 - "You foolish person!")

Taken in isolation, 1 Corinthians 13 is all very fluffy and lovely. But if you take into account the tone of the whole letter, it becomes pretty biting. Paul wasn't writing to the Corinthians to help them be extra dreamy and far-off. He was giving them a royal kick up the backside. Don't read it as a comforting description of something you already have. Read it as a terrifying description of something you ought to have but don't. Here's a very rough paraphrase: "Love is patient, not like you. Love doesn't envy or boast, like you do. Love doesn't insist on its own way, like you've been doing. Grow up."

So, five down, five to go. What will be next? The classic dismembered courtesan from the book of Judges? The classic baby eating bit from 2 Kings? The classic seed-spilling passage from Genesis? Who knows? Part II will have to wait until I'm back from my honeymoon. See ya in a few weeks.

*I'm not very good at Greek.

Things That Don't Do The One Thing They Were Designed To Do - Part Two

If you had been passing Fenchurch Avenue a week or so back, you probably have no idea how close you came to being confronted by an angry young(ish) man with his trousers round his ankles hurling a useless plastic toilet-paper dispenser into the street.

Let me explain.

Some time ago now, you may remember, I spent several column inches venting my spleen about delivery companies, tin openers, badly designed clocks, and all Things That Don't Do The One Thing They Were Designed To.

Well, I've added to the list.


How hard is it to get a toilet-paper dispenser right? Yet there I was, for ten minutes, the chill effluvial winds of despair circulating around my unveiled posterior as, with arms akimbo and wrist contorted into the sort of shape that would raise some eyebrows at A&E, I attempted the key-hole surgery equivalent of finding the end of a roll of sellotape, operating entirely by feel and with a serrated plastic blade threatening to curtail my promising career as a concert violinist at any moment. Half a wheelbarrow's worth of plastic serving no function whatsoever other than to ensure that my only option for paper-based sanitising was the crumbling feathery chunk I hacked out of the roll with my door key.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a Thing That Doesn't Do The One Thing It Was Designed To Do. And, if you have even a shade of empathy in your hearts, I hope you would have mentally applauded me as I hurled the useless abomination into the street and jumped up and down on its spiteful grabby entrails.

Anyway, now that my implacable plastic foe has been vanquished, mentally at least, and you've stopped applauding, and I've pulled up my trousers, it's time to consider the rather disturbing question I posed at the end of the original post: What if WE are Things That Don't Do The One Thing They Were Designed To Do??? Would God be justified in hurling us into the street and jumping up and down on us?


Which sort of begs the question: What, exactly, were we designed to do?
Or, to put it another way:




Of course, it's a question which all the greatest thinkers throughout history have cogitated over. Philosophers, scientists, artists - innumerable ingenious minds over many many centuries have all contributed their sparkling strands of speculation to this, the greatest debate in history. Intellectual giants, boldly locking horns with the intractable problems that blight every age of man, wrestling on our behalf to make known the mysteries that lie behind our very existence.

Let's look at some of their answers:

Britney Spears - Born To Make You Happy

I think this is a fairly common philosophy. It's probably got a fancy name. I'm going to call it the "Life is about making people happy" philosophy. I suspect a lot of people subscribe to it.

Here are some questions to ask of it:
1) Who exactly were we born to make happy?
2) What actually makes them happy?
3) Can we actually do what makes them happy?
For example, what if our sole purpose in life is to make God happy, and perfect obedience is what he likes, and none of us can do it?

Delta Goodrem - Born To Try

I've not really got a chuff what this song is about, but I'm going to name a philosophy after it anyway, and I'm going to call it the "Life is about doing your best" philosophy.

Questions to ask of the life-is-about-doing-your-best philosophy are:
1) Who, genuinely, has ever done their best? Okay, the narcissistic little twerps in the Apprentice may claim to be giving 210% percent, but that is because they are remedially-brained, mathematically illiterate asses.
2) How do you know that life is graded on effort, rather than achievement? Isn't that a bit of a gamble?
3) Do you best at what, exactly? (I hope it's not learning New Testament Greek. I've definitely not done my best at New Testament Greek. What the heck is an aorist?)

Incidentally, about three minutes into this video is the moment where musical enlightenment is reached. Ah, Delta.

Sha-na-na - Born To Hand Jive

As philosophies go, it would be a tough sell to suggest that our one true purpose in life is to repeatedly form our hands into strange shapes in time to some 50s rock music or the Blockbusters theme tune.
So let's broaden this out a bit and call it the "Life is about having fun" philosophy. Or, if you want to get all fancy, you could call this Utilitarianism, or Secular Humanism, or probably any number of other philosophies which are based around the idea that the happiness of the individual contributes to the well-being of humanity.


Questions to ask:
1) What if the thing you enjoy most happens to be eating living human skulls?
2) What if you aren't having any fun, because someone is eating your skull?*


Personally, I think this philosophy would work provided everyone wore those massive petticoats. Massive petticoats are pretty much all kinds of brilliant. I can't really imagine how anyone could be sad with an acre of crinoline frothing around them at every turn. Mark my words: what the world needs now is a massive petticoat.

Steppenwolf - Born To Be Wild

So, this is a cool song for cool dudes on cool bikes running cool and free through cool countryside. It doesn't get much cooler than this. Though I'd like to point out that real men use pedals.
Anyway, let's call this the "Life is about individual liberty" philosophy. I believe this could be termed classical liberalism.


Here are some thoughts about the pursuit of freedom:
How free is it possible to get in this life? Creation is ordered - there are rules built into the fabric of the universe, from which there is no freedom:
1) The human body is designed to work a certain way - you will never be free of the need to eat, drink, sleep etc.
2) You cannae change the laws of physics - so you will never be free to fly, walk through walls, turn yourself invisible, etc. This is a bummer.
3) Time only goes in one direction - you will never be free to undo past mistakes, you will never be free to be in two places at one time, and you can't stop getting older.


Mankind has made some great advances, but in all the really big, important areas of life, there is no freedom whatsoever. Except in death. (And that's making some pretty big assumptions about what happens after death, too.)
Speaking of which:

Lana Del Ray - Born To Die

Or possibly Born To Stand Naked In Front Of An American Flag, or Born To Have Funny-Shaped Lips. The reason this post is about eight months late is that I made the foolish error of attempting to work out what this song is actually about. I went a little deeper into the rabbit warren than was perhaps advisable. I see from my notes that someone somewhere on the internet - possibly the voluminously be-lipped chanteuse herself - described it as a "homage to true love and a tribute to living life on the wild side". I shall call it the "Life is all about finding your one true love and then pursuing it recklessly at the expense of all other things because after all we are all going to die, so you might as well die in an explosive love-fuelled vehicle accident whilst wearing hotpants" philosophy.


I actually own some hotpants. Many of you know this.


Questions to ask of this philosophy include: ah, whatever. Just enjoy the tigers. She has tigers. Tigers are cool.

Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run

This is an easy one to critique:
NO. WE WERE NOT BORN TO RUN.


DO.
NOT.
MAKE.
ME.
RUN.


I do not like running.


Okay, that important fact established, let's forget about the literal interpretation of the title, and blatantly hijack it in order to introduce the "Life is all about forgetting what life is all about and just getting on with things" philosophy, or Just-Keep-Busy-And-Don't-Think-About-Itism. What Existential Therapists call "Dereflection" - basically, the idea that worries about the meaning of life will evaporate if you just get on with living.


I suspect most of us, if we had to pick a philosophy, would pick this one.


Questions:
How is this any different from just sticking your head in the sand?
Getting so engrossed in living that you no longer need to worry about why you are alive is a little bit like driving as fast as you can so that you don't need to worry about which direction to take. I've been in cars with drivers like this, and eventually we always had to stop, look at a map, and turn around.
Or to put it another way - when I'm really engrossed in work, I sometimes forget about the need to pee. 

But there always comes a reckoning.

Ray Price - Born To Lose

Finally, let's have the good old "Life is pointless" philosophy. We evolved, by chance, so there's not much purpose to anything. This is rather in vogue these days, what with Dawkins running around publishing books and bellyaching like a miserable old woman about all things religious. The sciency bits of it might be new, but that whole God-Is-Dead thing has been around since the 1800s. Existential nihilism, innit? Whatever.

Things to ask an existential nihilist when he tells you there is no point to anything:
What's your point?

The Bit You Knew Was Coming But Which I Don't Have A Cool Song For:

That's my hugely simplistic and limited tour of some of the answers I think people might give to the question "What do you believe is the meaning of life?"**

What do you believe is the meaning of life?
Any of the above?
None of the above?
Have you ever thought about it?
For more than a minute?

Because if there is a creator, who created us for a purpose, and we are not doing that thing for which we were created, then we are the deeply useless Thing Which Does Not Do The One Thing It Was Designed To Do. And that's not really a good place to be.

Here's the first question of the Westminster Catechism, which was written by a smart bunch of dudes who really knew their Bible:

Q: What is the chief end of man?
A: Man's chief end is to glorify God, and enjoy Him forever.

Making people happy is a good thing. The Bible says you should try it. But it's not the purpose of life.
Trying hard is a good thing. The Bible says we should try hard. But it's not the purpose of life.
Having fun is a good thing. The Bible wants us to have fun. But it's not the purpose of life.
Individual liberty is a good thing. The Bible has much to say about freedom. But it's not the purpose of life.
Love is a good thing. The Bible has much to say about love. But it's not the purpose of life.
(Running is not a good thing. Let's just gloss over that one.)

The Bible, over many centuries, through many stories, using many genres, by the mouths of many characters, reveals a purpose that fundamentally revolves around God, and our relationship to him. In a nutshell: Our reason for living is to glorify him, and to enjoy him forever.

And the Bible is quite clear that everyone was designed with the same purpose in mind - whether they believe that or not. It's also quite clear that the only way to Do The One Thing For Which We Were Designed is by putting our trust in Jesus Christ.

If we've not done that, I'm sorry to say, we are a broken toilet-roll holder, and we risk getting jumped on.

Jesus, incidentally, is the perfect Britney - the one man who made God happy, by doing what God loved, perfectly.
He's also the perfect Delta - the one man who actually did give 100%, all the time.
And he's the means by which we can have perfect, eternal fun - the "enjoy Him forever" bit...
And he's the means by which we achieve perfect freedom - freedom from the curse of sin, death, pain, all that stuff.
He also demonstrates perfect love...
...by being, literally, born to die.
(And, though I hate to admit this, in one of his parables he portrays God as running.)

This website might help you explore these ideas further: http://www.christianityexplored.org/

Thank you for your time.

*Of course, the internet solves a lot of these problems for us, because the people who enjoy eating skulls and the people who enjoy having their skulls consumed can now find each other in a skull-eating chatroom somewhere and hook up. But I think it's fair to say that, as long as there is death in the world, life is not going to be fun all the time for everyone.


**Limited mainly by the fact that it's hard to find good "Born to..." songs. I could have had Monie Love's "Born to B.R.E.E.D" in there, for instance, but that song makes me want to gnaw my feet off and stick them in my ears. I figure if I'm going to make you think about philosophy, the least I can do is ensure there are good songs involved. And Britney.

The Pooverview - Part II

Well, it's been a week or so since The Pooverview Part One, and my mobile has literally not started ringing with people clamouring for the follow-up. But if a mere total lack of demand for what I am supplying were enough to deter me then I'd never have trained to be a concert violinist. So here, like it or not, is The Pooverview Part II.

There is absolutely no reason for this picture to be here.
Artist: Aaron Draper Shattuck

7) Seventh Movement - The Yule Log

What's the worst present you got this Christmas? I did very well this year myself, but I did manage to give a small set of pink sparkly Hello Kitty nail varnish bottles to a big butch skin-headed Armenian guy. Can't imagine that made his year.

Here's what the Armenian guy could have deduced from his overwhelmingly generous present:

1) That I didn't know him at all.
2) That I knew him, but couldn't really give a monkey's about what he wanted for Christmas.
3) That whether I knew and cared or not, I only had three quid, five minutes, and a Sainsbury's from which to procure the perfect gift.

Actually, all three are true, but it was a secret santa and we were only supposed to spend three squids, so whatever.

"Oh, for some Hello Kitty nail varnish to complement my dusky complexion."
Artist: Ford Madox Brown

At the end of The Pooverview Part One I said that Jesus was God's great gift to us. Which, for most people, is probably the equivalent of the Hello Kitty nail varnish (water soluble, no less), and therefore probably begs the questions:

1) Does God not know me at all? Why would I want a 2000-year-old baby?
2) Does God not care about me at all? Why didn't he give me the world peace, the new car, and the squirrel trampoline that I asked for?
3) Does God not have the resources to give me something good? Even Aunt Vera managed to get me an X-Box, and she's totally skint.

But here's what the apostle Paul said about his Jesus present:

Whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as dung, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him... (Philippians 3:7-8)

The ESV Bible actually translates that as "rubbish", but I'm given to understand from them as what read Greek, that not only does it mean dung, but it's also not a particularly nice word for dung. So here's Paul, lining up all his presents, comparing them all to Jesus, and saying "Dung, poo, cacka, crud, dooky." Even Aunt Vera's X-Box.

You can imagine his thank-you letters:"Dear Aunt Vera: Thank you so much for the X-Box, which I love. It is, however, a box full of stinky diarrhoea when compared to the present God got me. Love Paul."

What Paul might have looked like if he had been green and featureless.
Artist: Richard Anuszkiewicz

Paul would probably look at our three questions above, and say:

1) No one knows me better than God.
2) No one cares about me more than God.
3) No one has more resources than God.

So God's gift is going to be the most expensive, most thoughtful, and most needed present I'll ever get. A present so good that it makes everything else look like butt coffee.

8) Eighth Movement - Polishing It Off

Why is Paul so excited about Jesus?
In The Pooverview Part One we looked mainly at Israel's relationship with God, and we saw that it was Not Good and Going Downhill Fast. We saw it fail, over and over again. The question we didn't answer is Why?

Here's Jesus' explanation:

And he called the people to him again and said to them, “Hear me, all of you, and understand: There is nothing outside a person that by going into him can defile him, but the things that come out of a person are what defile him.” And when he had entered the house and left the people, his disciples asked him about the parable. And he said to them, “Then are you also without understanding? Do you not see that whatever goes into a person from outside cannot defile him, since it enters not his heart but his stomach, and goes out into the latrine?” (Thus he declared all foods clean.) And he said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” (Mark 7:14-23)

Eat your kosher food, or not, says Jesus. The closest the food comes to the problem is still an inch or so away.* After that it turns into poop. And the poop in the latrine is not the problem, says Jesus. The problem is the poop in our hearts.

Why did Israel keep messing up their relationship with God?
Because they had poopy hearts. Same as us.

How do we fix our poopy heart?
We can't.
We need God to do it.

How does God fix our poopy heart?
Through Jesus.

That's why he was born as a man in a stable, lived a perfect life, and died on a cross, paying the penalty for all the crud in our own hearts. Jesus is the best present an all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God could give us, because our greatest need, whether we know it or not, is to get into a right relationship with God; the only way to do that is to get a new heart; and that is only possible because Jesus took the dirty one.That's why Paul was content to let everything around him turn to dooky** - because he had gained Christ, and with it a new heart. He was clean where it counted.

If you haven't gained Christ, it doesn't matter how much good stuff you do. You can don a big robe, wear a silly collar, waft some incense around, give all your money to charity and personally save the dolphins - but you are just polishing a, well, you know. And at some point in the future, maybe even before next Christmas, there will be an Almighty Flush.

Well might you look wistful, young girl at your toilet.
Artist: Glyn Philpot

9) Ninth Movement - You'd Be Potty Not To

The question you are probably not asking now is: if turning to Jesus is so terribly important, how come it is so easy to dismiss the whole issue? Just look at the cultural impression we have of the church, for example. The Good Old C of E is generally dismissed as a bumbling, ineffectual relic, dogged with in-fighting, stupidity and corruption, a blight on civilised society and the sort of antediluvian misogynistic monument to irrelevance that mankind would be much better off without.***

What happened?

Now in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay, some for honourable use, some for dishonourable. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonourable, he will be a vessel for honourable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work.(2 Timothy 2:20-21)

By now I hope you've caught the scent of this post, so I'm sure I don't need to explain what "vessels for dishonourable use" might be. But I do need to explain the context, since 99.99999% of the world's problems are caused by people taking bits of the Bible out of context.

Paul is at the end of his life, and is passing on the baton to Timothy. And he's warning Timothy that there will be trouble. Much of the trouble - then as now - came from within the church - from false teachers. False teachers say things like "Oh, don't worry about what the Bible says, let me tell you what I think instead." They also say things like "Give me all your money and God will bless you", or "If you trust God enough you'll never get sick" or "God hates fags" or "God doesn't care if you follow Jesus or not, as long as you rescue dolphins", or "Jesus he knows me, and he knows I'm right, been talking to Jesus all my-" oh, wait, that's a Genesis song.

On either side of this vessel analogy, Paul is telling Timothy not to be a false teacher, but to "rightly handle the word of truth". Now, if rightly handling the Bible means being a cleansed vessel for honourable use, then being a false teacher means being a dirty vessel for dishonourable use.

In other words, says Paul - if you are not teaching the truth, then you are full of sh-

Vessels for honourable use. And big cheeses. I love cheese.
Artist: Floris Van Schooten

Why am I telling you this?
Well, mainly because it's about poo, and this is the Pooverview.
But also because it's important. Paul wasn't scaremongering when he warned about the false teachers. They are everywhere. If you are investigating Christianity (and if you made it this far through a two-post series about Biblical bum fruit then you must be fairly committed) then you need to be aware that a great deal of what you hear coming from a pulpit might just be manure.

So for the start of 2013, a great New Year's Resolution might perhaps be to pop into a church or two, if you're not already doing so. But be on the look-out for funny smells. If the preacher isn't preaching the Bible, then he's talking bull.

Maybe a good test would be to ask him to name at least nine occurrences of human excrement in the Bible.

Happy new year.


* I don't know medical stuff but I assume the intestines and the cardio-vascular system are generally kept separate.
** He wrote this from a prison cell where he was awaiting possible execution for refusing to shut up about Jesus.
*** But at least we're not all paellas**** like the Roman Catholics.
**** Courtesy of my spell-checker, which neatly solved my "can I get away with saying that or not" crisis by rendering it nonsensical for me.